Do you ever have a hard time talking with friends, family, and co-workers about your weight loss efforts? I know I did.
When I first began gaining weight, I freely discussed all my vain attempts to lose weight and laughed at myself when I once again failed. Well, I laughed on the outside, but felt very frustrated on the inside.
Once I gained 100 more pounds, I found myself still laughing at my weight-loss failures on the outside, but feeling more and more unhappy with myself on the inside. I had friends who asked me if I was dieting even when I wasn’t, and other friends who didn’t seem to care one way or the other. I shared my latest diet plan with whoever asked, but stopped telling everyone I ran into that I was once again on Weight Watchers or trying another plan.
I became more and more embarrassed at my failures. Eventually I denied I was trying to lose weight, even when I really was. On my final attempt, I decided to tell no one except John and a few close friends. I was so tired of failing and so tired of explaining that I had once again “fallen off the weight loss wagon.”
As I began to lose enough weight for people to notice, I had to start sharing some of what I was doing because people just wouldn’t let it go. At that point, I also got some “push-back” from people who thought they knew better than I did how to lose weight.
I thought I’d share some of the common scenarios that happened to me and how I handled them in the hopes that you will find some encouragement and maybe some tips on how to talk with other people about your own weight loss efforts.
1. Don’t feel ashamed or be embarrassed.
You are doing the best thing for your body and for your health by trying to get to a healthy weight. If someone gently teases you for eating a salad instead of loaded tacos at the Mexican buffet, just ignore them. If your friend says you are “wasting time” by going to the gym, just smile politely and go on about your business. You don’t have to explain yourself and you don’t need to feel ashamed.
2. Don’t let a lack of family support get you down.
You may find that your immediate family isn’t keen on your new lifestyle, but don’t let that stop you. Stay positive and show them that you are getting the whole family healthier by preparing healthier meals and teaching everyone about the benefits of healthy eating. Find your support in other arenas if you don’t get it at home. (You’d be surprised how often lack of support at home is a problem.)
3. Don’t buy into a guilt trip.
Sometimes well-meaning friends and family can try to make you feel guilty for skipping dessert or exercising before meeting them for coffee. You need to stay strong and not change your plan because they are trying to make you feel guilty. I found that I had to actually tell people sometimes, “I’m sorry if my not eating dessert makes you uncomfortable, but this is what I need to do to get healthy.” That puts the guilt back on them.
4. Be upfront with your needs. This can be very uncomfortable, but there are times when you need to just tell it like it is. If you are traveling to visit friends or family, tell them you are following a new healthy eating plan and arrange to go to the grocery store when you get to your destination to get the foods you need. When I would say this to my extended family, they usually whipped out a notebook and asked me what foods I wanted. They often want to help but don’t know how. If they aren’t willing to help, take charge and do it yourself.
5. Be your own best advocate. You are your own best advocate. No one else can lose weight for you or make food choices for you. Say “no” when you need to, thank those who support you, and stay firm in your desire to get to a healthy weight. You’d be surprised how many people you can positively influence both directly and indirectly.
How are you at talking about your weight loss efforts? Do you ever have to “get tough” with the people in your life when it comes to staying on your plan? Diane
I find that most people around me are positive about helping me. However, isn’t it funny how the one or two people that make the negative comments affect me more than the ones that support me. I guess that is still the insecure me that helped me gain weight coming out. I have to get tougher with this but it is one step at a time.
Oh yes! I stayed very quiet about my last large weight loss. It helped that I was on a very limited commercial plan. I only shared with those who I knew supported me. I heard those who slammed me, but I kept going. Didn’t matter. My plan did work and I successfully switched over to a sustainable maintence diet. Again , very quiet until I could get my footing.
Now I get a lot of questions, which I welcome. My best tactic or line was to raise my hand and say ” Doctor says”. Nobody messes with that. I work with MD’s , but they do not blow smoke. They only congratulate. They know how much work both loosing and maintaing is.
Boundary setting is key. A counselor ( for a non weight issue) taught me about that. Good topic , as always.
This post definitely speaks to me! I recently decided to try and lose the 15-20 pounds I gained in college. When I tried to lose the weight last year (senior year in college), I told all my roommates and constantly was fielding questions and unsolicited advice about it. My one roommate also went around and told her friends “Caitlyn’s trying to lose weight”, which really annoyed me. It’s nobody’s business! So this go round, I’m vowing to not speak to anybody about my efforts! I just don’t want to deal with the questions of “How’s your diet going? What did you eat today?” If (WHEN!
) people start to notice I’m losing weight, I’m just going to say “I just started eating healthier”.
I love this post! I have confronted, and am still confronting, many of these issues. I like your last point the best – be your own advocate. As soon as I realized and accepted that this was MY life and I had to make decisions for MY own good, it became easier. Not smooth sailing all the way, but definitely easier.
This post exactly mirrors my experience! I quit telling people I was trying to lose weight because I ended up just gaining it all back or quitting before anyone could even tell that I had started. Thank goodness now, after finally having some success, it is 1 of my favorite things to talk about. Thank you for this wonderful well-written post!
My personal opinion is to NOT talk about weight loss with (most, almost all) people in real life.
It sends them the message that our weight, our food choices, our exercise, our bodies are OKAY for discussion, analysis, debate.
I think it is better to avoid almost all talk about our bodies/process to send the message that it is our own business (and not theirs).
I feel NO need to explain or justify any of the choices that I make.
It is not up for debate or comment.
This topic is a huge issue for most people (in weight loss blog land as they try to deal with people in real life).
And what often happens is that when we are in the starting phases of weight loss, and the process is sort of our be all/do all, we talk about it.
And that sends the message that it is okay for people to comment.
And they get that link (see us, talk about our process or our body) formed in their mind.
It is like Pavlov’s dogs – see us, talk about it.
Once that link gets established, it is very hard to retrain them to a different topic.
So, it is better to leave all weight loss process/our body topics alone and talk about other things (the weather, things going on around town, books we are reading, movies, etc) in real life.
It is better to leave these topics in weight loss/maintenance blog land where people understand.
This absolutely resonates with me. Discussions on diet and exercise suddenly turns everyone into a nutritionist or personal trainer, and everyone knew better than me, apparently. My first weight loss attempt was very vocalized and while it worked, the maintenance did not and the massive weight gain that followed was a huge embarrassment for me.
Failing privately is bad enough, but failing publicly is 10 times worse. The 2nd round of dieting was done completely quiet (only my husband was in on it) and while I was successful in taking off 60lbs solo, I still didn’t want to talk about it with others… almost like I’d jinx myself. I’ve only recently started blogging as a way of holding myself accountable of taking off 15lbs that have crept up and I still feel pretty vulnerable “putting myself out there”.
Know who and where your support comes from and know they are there if you need it.
I was always up front about what I was & was not going to do & still am… I am what I am & I do what is best for me. Great post Diane!
Hi Diane! I had to get to the point where I “divorced” myself from other’s eating habits. I divorced from my family’s terrible eating habits. I also divorced my friends’ eating habits. Those relatives’ eating habits had to be divorced. I divorced people’s holiday eating habits. Now that I understand that I am “free and single” about my eating, I know that it is me, and only me, who makes my food decisions. That is very happy for me.
There is one point I’d like to add: do it for yourself. If you rely on an outside motivation, you practically put yourself at someone’s whim. Never attempt weight loss to win someone’s respect or love. Because those things usually only come when you love and respect yourself first, no matter what your weight.
I only share with my mom. We encourage each other, even through disappointments. My husband sometimes sabotages me with chocolate or doesn’t quite believe I’m serious “this time.” So, it’s just my mom, and that’s just fine with me.
This time is different than every other time I lost weight; back then, it was a diet. It was temporary. That is why I never succeeded at maintenance. This time, it truly is a lifestyle change. Last time, I was in a public weight-loss contest at work. (I won.) This time, it’s just me. My closest family/friends know, but it no longer a major topic of conversation. In the past, it took about 20 lbs. before outside people started noticing and commenting; I’m at 15 lbs. now, so it’s coming soon. This time, I will more serenely mention my lifestyle change, and that it’s for better health. Weight loss is just a nice ‘symptom’ of what I’m doing right. If they want to ask for details, I will be happy to share. If they want to dismiss my efforts, it will be like when I grew my natural (white/silver/gray) hair out, and tell them….’you never know how good it can be until you try it yourself.’
Great post, Diane. Thank you!
Excellent, Diane!
I do my talking on my blog. I try to avoid it face to face with people. Many people know about my blog and will use something I have written as the start of a conversation. Generally I would love to have these conversations but, people are often so entrenched in their own experience and needs that the talk turns confrontational or hurtful. Because I am fat I get enough strangers approaching me to tell me what they think is wrong with me and what I need to do about it. I really don’t care to hear it over and over and over and over again from the people I care about if I can avoid it.
There’s more than a little evidence that people tend to do better and stay motivated when they keep goals to themselves, especially goals that will make people have to look at them in a new way. One guy named Derek Sivers said it, and he quotes some research to that effect. It’s shown up in weight loss efforts as well.
I sometimes think that it might be best to lose the weight and keep it to oneself, and then announce the maintenance. People seem to do the opposite — collect support and applause while losing, and then when the boring maintenance phase starts, that’s where people’s motivation flags and the audience drifts off. More than a few of the people I see online who have successfully managed to maintain big losses seem to have in common the fact that they lost the weight (or most of it) before they got online, and THEN started blogging about it. It seems that hitting maintenance is when people might need to start talking about it more than when they are losing.
I know in my life, achieving big goals that may make others think about me differently, I am much, much, much more comfortable doing it in a vacuum. Then, after it’s done and I can point to it, I might open up a bit. But the first stages of trying something new and scary are very fragile, and need to be protected.
Crumbs. I added too many links, and now I’m modded.
I do my talking on my blog too. My husband is aware of course as are most of my kids (some of them are pretty oblivious
). Close family. Looking over my list the ones whom I’ve made aware are the ones who are supportive. I’ve got a LOT of people who would be happy to give me unsolicited advice but I don’t give them an opening (or change the subject if they persist.)
This is a good post. We are always having family celebrations of one sort or another. This involves foods, beveages and desserts. So initially I had to explain why I wasn’t partaking of this or that. Now it’s not a big deal. I don’t have relatives that are my food police and publicly proclaiming in the room that Marc can’t have this or that because he is on a diet. I just monitor myself.
I’ve noticed that people who voluntarily talk a lot about weight loss, food choices, or exercise (outside of talking to their immediate family or on a blog) tend to be overweight or have yo-yo weight problems. Myself included.
I don’t really understand why that is – maybe a need to make sure the people around you know that you are not happy with your weight and this isn’t the “real” you?? In theory it should help, for example if your co-workers know you are losing weight, you should feel more pressure to eat healthy. But one problem I’ve noticed is that all the talking also gives you the chance to justify some bad choices “I’m having dessert today because we aren’t eating much for dinner”, “I haven’t had pizza in so long and it’s been a stressful day”, etc…..and in my experience, friends are more than happy to help you justify the bad choice!
I think I’ll call you and some of the other posters on here the “silently successful.” No need to talk about what you are doing or are “going to do”…just do it!
Another great article!!!! Your personal journey is no one’s business but yourself. Since we seem to be a society consumed with body image, dieting and weight loss will always be a hot topic – with lots of opinions either way.
I also see people projecting their own issues with diet, health and even exercise all the time. As a nutritionist, people want to know my “story” so they can compare/contrast which is a good thing. I often share how challenging of a journey it had been and that my ” not so healthy” friends were not okay when I lost weight.
I love the above post about “divorcing” everyone else in their life – this was her process and her opinion was the only one that mattered. What a great outlook!!!
At first I talked with only my immediate family about my weight loss progress and efforts. And when you only lose 5-10 pounds nobody notices anyways. Now that I’ve lost 45 pounds though people at work and others in my life want to discuss with me. I enjoy talking about it and get amped up when someone wants to know what I’m doing. In my head I tell myself to dial my enthusiasum back a notch so I dont scare them off!
Love this post! I am my own best advocate with my NS pals online. They are a great support group. No one outside in this world really cares how I did or wants to hear about it except for my Dad.
I try to avoid the conversation at all costs. Even though I’m losing weight in a very healthy manner there are just too many people who feel the need to preach about the topic and it drives me nuts.
It seems to just confuse people. People don’t know that I’m 50 pounds lighter than I used to be want to tell me how to lose weight, and people who do know that seem irritated by how I did it. Yes, I eat carbs. Yes, I eat fat. Yes, I even eat dessert occasionally, but not frequently, and no, I don’t want a piece of your grocery store cake. Watching portion sizes, being disciplined about exercise and cooking, and not eating a whole lot of crap always seems to be a very disappointing response. If I gave in everytime someone wanted to get dessert, drink, or hang out and waste time instead of letting me get to the gym, I would not be able to keep the weight off. If I get too much pushback, I tell them I used to be fat, and previously fat people are different, and nobody knows how to argue about that, it’s uncommon and unfamiliar.
Meh. Still in moderation.
I think most people are just trying to deal with their own guilt if they make you feel uncomfortable about being/eating healthy. It is so important to be an advocate for one’s own heath. All good points.
Great post, Diane! This one really speaks to me, as I’ve gotten TONS of pushback from people, but only two of the three times I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. Let me explain…
First time, in my 20s: I dropped about 40 pounds to a BMI in the lower end of the “normal” range for my height. A couple of my friends and colleagues had the gall to tell me that I had an eating disorder, simply for refusing a couple of pizza parties & whatnot. (FWIW, I didn’t have an eating disorder, and I got myself healthier [more fit] than I had probably ever been.)
Second time, in my early 30s: After regaining the weight I dropped in my 20s (and then some) I dropped about 30 pounds, after which I was still at an “overweight” BMI for my height. Interestingly, I got NO pushback on this one, but lots of compliments.
Third time, just recently: I dropped about 40 pounds, which put me back to a BMI on the lower end of “normal.” AGAIN, I’ve had people accuse me of having an eating disorder. These comments were made shortly upon my getting down to my goal weight (BMI around 20 – 21). I’ve successfully maintained my weight loss for almost a year (very proud of this!), and I don’t get many comments anymore.
I have two (not necessarily competing) theories about this:
1 — The “eating disorder” comments may reflect a contrast effect: People were accustomed to seeing me at my fat weight, so the skinny weight seemed extreme by contrast. Now that they’ve gotten used to seeing the normal-sized me, maybe it’s not so shocking to them anymore.
2 — But, despite the appeal of theory #1, I have a darker theory: After my second weight loss attempt, after which I was still too heavy, I had lost almost as much weight as I lost the other two times, but I didn’t get the inappropriate comments. As much as I don’t want to think so, when we start to look really fit and, well, REALLY GOOD, it likely elicits envy in some people. That’s too bad, really, but I cannot help but think there’s something to this. If they knew what a STRUGGLE this has been for me, and still is, they might keep their hurtful comments to themselves.
Maintenance is SOOO hard… but it’s happening, for now. *cross your fingers for me!*
Polite declining of items and refusing to engage has always helped. I just won’t get roped into guilt eating to make them feel better. And after a few completely smiling and completely firm rejections, folks leave me alone
I love this post. I used to feel embarrassed to tell people I’m exercising, I would actually go for my walks later in the night so nobody I knew would see me, I changed overtime when I realised I did not have to explain myself to anybody as long as I think it’s good for me..I should carry on..I still get stuck with the guilt trip point..that is the difficult one for me, even now there are times when my family/friends manage to guilt me into eating something I really plan not to..most of the I can only manage portion control in such cases…It is still difficult for me to say NO especially to my mom or people older than me, I have never tried putting the guilt back on them sounds like a great plan…I’m going to do it from now on
I actually had the opposite happen for me. I lost over 70 lbs about ten years ago and now I live in fear that people will know that I was once heavier. I am ashamed of how much I used to weigh and don’t want people to find out about my weight loss.
This is a great post and I believe one of the hardest things about the weight loss journey. I’ve told people who have asked, as I’ve lost 17 lbs. so far, which is noticeable on me since I’m so short, and they have all been complimentary and supportive. The one person who I don’t feel that I’m getting the support from that I’d really like is my father, as he gets silent if anyone in the family congratulates me or compliments my loss. He is morbidly obese and I think this is difficult for him as it was easier when we were “all fat together”. I know he wants me to suceed, I just think it is hard for him to admit it because he has not been successful at making any lasting changes for himself. Therefore it’s been difficult as we’re a close family and there’s been an elephant in the room for the past few months as I’ve lost weight. DH and I are going on vacation next week with my parents and I’m nervous as to what type of pressure he might put on me to “relax” my eating and exercising because I’m on vacation. I know I’m strong enough to put those words aside, but I just would prefer not to face it.
This is a great post. Sometimes, it is not easy when you talk about your weight loss effort and have no result, yet. Simply put, people are exposing your effort to family and friends who are prone to have “negative” view when they haven’t achieved your goals. Get tough and move on!
Hey I felt that way too before, when I wanted to look good and sexy but can’t help eating then started gaining weight. My friends who were used to seeing me slim started noticing and I just laughed but deep inside I was hurt. Thanks for the advices, I agree i think no one can help me more than myself too.