Here is a pet peeve of mine and apparently I am not alone. A Facebook contact of mine (I’ll call her Sue) sent me a message explaining a scenario that happened to to her recently.
This person was in a group setting and some friends were talking about exercise and working out. An older gentleman pointed at my Facebook friend and said to the group, “You should take her to workout with you.” The implication was that “Sue” was fat and needed to lose weight and workout.
“Sue” felt like she couldn’t come back at the man because it would be rude. I know that this type of thing happens all the time and it happened to me quite frequently when I was obese. And it doesn’t just happen to women because I know guys this exact situation has happened to.
Personally, I heard people try to nicely tell me to get off the couch and workout when they said, “You know, exercise helps you not be tired.” Sometimes people were less subtle and said, “If you’d just exercise (or eat better) you wouldn’t have to make your own clothes and could go shopping with me.” Other times they couched their rude comments with false concern. “You know Diane,” they would say, “I really wish you would take better care of yourself.”
I always had a snappy comeback in my head, but I restrained myself out of acceptable social etiquette and the fact that I do not like confrontation. I longed to say, “Mind your own business” or “Shut up,“ but I did not say much at all.
Why is it okay to be rude to people who struggle with their weight but it is not okay for the overweight person to be rude back?
Well, I guess the correct answer is that is not okay for anyone to be rude to another person, but that’s not real life. The truth is that while we would never accept rudeness toward someone with a disability, a disfigurement, or other condition, many of us accept it when people are rude to those who struggle with their weight.
I never once had a friend or acquaintance rush to my defense when someone was rude. If I complained later, in private to a friend, they often tried to “defend” the other person by saying that the person didn’t mean it, was old, or just didn’t know any better.
If I had stood up for myself I have a feeling that I would have been classified by my friends and acquaintances as “snippy, twitchy,” or another word that rhymes with those. Or they would have said I was “over-sensitive” and needed to develop a tougher skin.
Obesity still seems to be that last area where it is okay to be publicly critical of someone without being labeled a “hater.”
How would you have handled my Facebook friend’s situation? Would you have said something to the gentlemen or just let it go? Diane
“Other times they couched their rude comments with false concern.”
I’m wondering why you assume their concern was false? Obviously, you know these people and their relationship to you and I don’t, but why is someone who says they wish you’d take better care of yourself when it comes to diet and exercise any different than a friend who says “I wish you’d quit smoking” or “I wish you’d get that weird mole on your arm looked at”…?
You and I have spoken many times about the proven and obvious risks of being significantly overweight. And if a friend or relative expressed concern for my health due to an obvious risk factor (and if it was stated, as you quoted, in the context of taking care of yourself — not as in “you are too fat to wear that style of jeans, lady”) why do you assume their concern is less than genuine? Honest question, Diane; not snark — please don’t read it as such.
On the flip side: More than a few (overweight, sedentary) friends have “expressed concern” to me these last five years that I am “starving” myself, exercising too much or too hard, or risking injury by doing something more than sitting at my laptop or TV all day. Honestly, it’s annoying to hear, but I understand that they just don’t get it, and never will. I nod and smile and tell themI feel great and change the subject. Maybe they *are* genuinely concerned that I’m missing out on Doritos and the new season of the hot TV shows, because those are their personal priorities; maybe they’re just haters. If I were to say to them that I were genuinely concerned about their eating habits, lack of activity, etc., they’d be annoyed because they don’t understand *my*personal priorities.
As for your friend and the older guy…some people have no filter. Particularly older people. And little kids. And people with Asperger’s. Every day someone says something we don’t like. Sometimes it has merit. Sometimes it doesn’t. If he had made a crack about her hair cut or the kind of car she drives, would she be so put off? Shake it off and move on.
Because these weren’t close friends who said those things. They were really acquaintances (casual friends) with an agenda, at least that’s how it felt to me.
Personally, I would never suggest to anyone I was not close to that they change their habits.
My point is that unless we are asked or are close to someone, I think it is rude to point out someone’s obesity, lack of exercise, or other habit we disagree with. BTW, I didn’t take your comment as snarky but as 100 percent you!
Point taken, Mrs. C — it’s not the place of an acquaintance to say something personal to you out of the blue, but if they do, it doesn’t mean their concern is necessarily “false.” When I feel sympathy or happiness for an acquaintance, my sympathy or happiness is still genuine despite not being a close friend to the person. However, if you knew these people to be passive/aggressive busybodies, then your assessment of their remarks is accurate!
I feel that way too, that often when it’s an acquaintance..that its false concern. They really aren’t offering help or support so much as trying to make themselves feel good. I think a lot of times the “concern” comes from those who are struggling with their own fitness, or more so body image, and can’t comprehend you might be okay with yourself as you are, because they aren’t themselves. Or comprehend that maybe you have your own plan for health and fitness, that is not any mass marketed big plan or fitness regimen. I think for some there is also an element of..hmm..distancing. Tell you they are “concerned” is in a sense expressing that they do not have this problem, they are somehow better, they don’t want to be one of “those” people that have been so demonized in the media.
I feel differently though when its a close friend or S.O…as this gives them a bit more right to comment on your personal business, and is a lot more likely to have actual concern. And it also makes a huge difference when the person approaches you *privately* (not, say, at a table full of coworkers, at lunch), and gently, and offers to help if you want it, go to classes with you for example, and is willing to listen to what you are going through not just beat you up over it.
Also for me its always difficult to hear. It feels very personal, and I don’t like feeling like an object of pity, or feeling “broken” in their eyes.
I’ve had an incident happen in an aerobics class in which I was one of the biggest people in the class, but was not particularly hard for me, just hard enough to make me push but very doable. I felt GOOD doing it, and after, and after the work out was feeling all strong and fit and on an exercise high. Then some lady I’d never talked to in my life starts carrying on loudly how PROUD she is of me for being there, ‘you can do it’ etc. I’m pretty sure she meant well but, it really got on my nerves and I found it pretty condescending. She didn’t say this to anyone else … just me. Cause I must need it right? And my exercise buzz just totally crashed and I went from feeling strong and fit to feeling frumpy and fat and sore thumb ish. Part of that is my own issue but I still wish people would just mind their own business.
I hate that that happened to you in your aerobics class. I’m hoping she was trying to be encouraging but I too would have taken it like you did.
I had to come and read this because I am tired to death of the RUDENESS of people when it comes to my weight. It is no one’s business whether they are close to me or not.
I’ve lost some weight and am working hard on getting more off. I can’t even tell you how many times people made snide comments or just make outright comments like your Facebook friend told you about. It’s not okay whether the person is old or not. I shouldn’t have to put up with it, but I’m too polite to come back at them.
I don’t point out the fact that they often have unhealthy habits like not exercising (while I do), eating Cheetos (I don’t), or that they aren’t the picture of perfect health either.
You hit the nail on the head Diane. It’s okay to be rude about obesity but the obese person is classified as “touchy” if they come back at them.
I’m sorry that people treat you that way Sarah. It is never, ever okay to do that to people. Congratulations on your weight loss – keep up the good work.
Oh man this is one of my pet peeves. I lost 62 pounds so I can speak from experience as a former fat person.
You are right Diane. People are rude to obese people. And I do think it’s often couched in “false concern” like you said because they have an agenda. They absolutely do. In fact, one of my friends (who was a bit overweight) apologized to me after I lost weight. She said she realized that she had no place making negative comments to me about the size of my clothes or my habits. She told me that she realized she was projecting some of her feelings about her own weight onto me. Complicated I think.
That made me feel better but did not take away the memory of those comments from her and others. She just confirmed what I knew in my heart. It is rarely of true concern but often they have their own agenda and it makes them feel better to point out your flaws.
Scrolling down and reading more comments and yes…this. The projecting some of their own feelings I think is often involved.
I used to have a couple quite slim friends, who absolutely freak if they gain 10 lbs (bringing them up to say 119, or 130) and go on and on with body hating negative comments and pinching invisible inches. One of them says things dramatically like ‘omg if I gain x lbs more I’ll off myself’ ..in front of me. I think its hard for her to see me be more self accepting being nearly another person bigger than she is. Mostly she has enough sense to leave me be, but if she ever does give advice its all harsh biggest looser style…like if it doesn’t hurt you aren’t doing it right, or that I should immediately start doing p90x and eat 1200 calories a day. She sees no point in any gentler forms of exercise I think.
As you said – they are dealing with their own body issue images and not really giving any advice that makes sense for you. It is still all about them when it comes down to it. I too know people who freak out about a small weight gain and although I too pay close attention to my weight – I deal with my weight in private and do not make it a matter of public discourse.
There are so many stories I could share of how people were rude to me in the 10 years that I was obese. Many of them were from friends who did have their own agenda and were not really concerned about me as a friend. I’m glad your friend apologized to you – that says a lot about your relationship and her character.
I agree 100 percent. Obesity is the “okay to laugh at,” problem. Look at comedians – they have a field day with people who are overweight.
As for friends? True friends do not point out faults but rather lead by example. I wonder how many people really make changes from criticism of others. I’d bet more people made changes from a “let me come alongside you” attitude.
Well put Abby. And those comedians who make fun of obesity or other diseases? I never watch them or listen to them because I find none of it funny.
Bottom line I probably wouldn’t have said anything and just went on with my life. He was rude and I have no doubt that he is rude on a daily basis to people. Pointing this out to him wouldn’t matter because he doesn’t care in the first place. Life is too short.
One part of the story I didn’t share was that Sue sees this person on a regular basis. If she had said anything it would have been awkward in the future. But on the other hand, that man made Sue feel awkward so perhaps a comment back would have been appropriate to stop any further negative, judging comments. It is hard to know.
I’m always surprised people would say things like that. I don’t remember anyone saying things like that to me, or around me to others, and I would never make a comment like that to someone else. While turning the other cheek may sidestep a conflict, maybe answering back once in a while would make people realize it’s impolite to make comments like that.
However, and I feel I may be playing devil’s advocate here, the other day I was discussing losing weight with a mom at a soccer game. We are both finishing up weight loss journeys and I hadn’t known about hers until this day. As we were discussing the topic of eating better, realizing we need to take care of our health, helping our children understand the need for healthier lifestyles, etc. I was constantly aware that two obese women were within earshot. I almost felt bad for them hearing our conversation, like it wasn’t PC to discuss the changes I’ve made because I’ll made them feel bad about themselves. We weren’t overly loud, just talking in normal tones of voices, but the other two would glance over once in a while.
I have a post brewing on this subject because you know it was weird for me to feel that way knowing I used to be just like those two overweight women. One of them had told me just 30 minutes earlier how she needs to just make it a point to walk daily and I told her I understand completely. I shared in a few sentences how I’ve lost weight and am still fighting. My hope was that, while the larger of the two may not know my story at least that woman did so as she heard snippets of our conversation she would see I’m a normal woman who has to work hard to be healthy.
I guess I just worry that while it is unacceptable for people to hint at the need for weight loss (we all know it never encourages anyone to want to start a diet) I also think we have to be careful to not take it too much to heart. It’s the fine balance of not promoting obesity but not being so worried that you’ll offend someone who is not fit by any healthy comment you make.
p.s. Abby, up above, has it perfect. Leading by example is always best. I have a couple people who have told me recently they are trying losing weight and/or running because of what they’ve seen in me…and I never said a word about their weight or lifestyle.
I’m sure that this has happened to me too. I’ll be talking about weight or sharing my story with someone who asked and there are people who need to lose weight within earshot. I do think about them even as I’m talking.
Leading by example is wonderful and I love that people in your life are making changes based on the positive changes they see in your own life Leah!
I tend to think the view is better from the high road. The more one says at these moments, from either side, even in a short clever retort, the worse they sound. Silence and a good stare can be golden.
Agreed. Silence can go a long way, especially if it stretches into an uncomfortable silence that sends the message that all is not okay.
I think I’d be really taken back by it but would probably say, “Thanks for the advice,” in a tone that meant in no uncertain terms step off ASAP. I’ve heard the southern version of step off is, “Bless your heart.” Maybe its because I’m from MN and we are MN nice but what he said is beyond rude and over-stepping boundaries. Big time.
Ah yes – the southern “nice.” We live in the south so I know exactly what you are talking about.
I probably would have said something to that guy – not his place! If you are a very good friend & the person wants honesty from you, that is a different thing but for just people that are acquaintances to think they have the place to say something – NOT!
As others have said, I still think people should wait until asked, in most circumstances. I wish I had been able to stand up to people who said negative things about me, but I honestly can’t think of a single time when I did.
As an elementary teacher, I see this stuff a lot (unfortunately.) What I have learned is that it is important for the bystanders to speak up. By not speaking out, it empowers the bully (yes, it is a bully) to continue their behavior. You don’t need to continue to engage with the bully. I probably would have said, “Excuse me, that is a rude comment.” As women, we are taught to “be nice, ” “to get along,” and “s/he didn’t really mean it.” We need to stand up for ourselves AND each other.
Thanks for bringing that part of it up Sharyn. How often do I hear mean things said to people I know under the guise of “concern.” Probably more often than I even realize. I’m going to pay closer attention because I don’t want to be a bystander who lets other people bully friends or acquaintances of mine. Nor do I ever want my children to be a bully. It is a very serious issue.
I’ve got a thick skin (no pun intended) and probably would have just ignored him. An older man that used to be in my life (now deceased) who was thin all their life used to point out to me, every time we were together that I was fat. This person was old enough to remember sugar rationing during World War II and it really bugged them that I put too much sugar in my coffee (more than 1 teaspoon). Every time we ended up together he had to tell his sugar rationing story. One day he couldn’t contain himself any longer and told me I was fatter than Fatty Arbuckle. I had to look that one up. Fatty was a silent film star. At anytime I could have hurled insults back, as I had plenty of ammo, I just chose not to. If it works out, you outlive the jerks.
It sounds like you have a strong self-esteem and didn’t let him get to you. And now you are making a difference for yourself and setting a great example for your family!
Fat people know they are fat, no need for a “friend” to council them. If someone asks for help another story. As for the rude man, he is just rude, pay no attention.
I always knew exactly how I looked and did no need anyone pointing it out. It only made me feel worse about myself.
I firmly believe rudeness should never be tolerated. Rude people are only insecure people trying to make themselves feel better by insulting others. I’m all about pushing out positivity and love because life’s too short to do otherwise.
Amen!! Positivity goes a lot further than negativity.
People can be so mean!!
Perhaps instead of rebutting rudeness with more rudeness, she could try this approach. When someone says, “You need to work out!” or whatever, come back with a sweet smile and, “Great! When can you show me around your gym?” Even better if that person doesn’t actually go to a gym.
It’s the trick I use for rudeness in everyday life–the jerk who lets the door slam in my face gets a smile and a happy, “thank you!” as though they held the door for me.
Good strategy!
I would gently remind them not to infringe on my personal space! I said ‘very gently’. If they can be rude to a person dealing with weight issues, they would do the same to a person suffering from anything else. I personally think they need a reminder to be respectful to every body!
You are right – they would likely be rude to other people as well. Good point.
Rudeness should never be tolerated. When I was younger, I used to tolerate it though. I was constantly teased for being fat all the way through school. Even my family would make comments.They were trying to be helpful in their own way. I have no doubt they were worried, but the comments were still hurtful. I wouldn’t say anything for fear of making them mad or feeling stupid. It seems that the older I get the less I care about what anyone thinks. Now I stand up for myself.
Example: I work for a hotel. One of our business conventions was a mostly male group. As I was walked down the hall to go to the bathroom, one group of guys started barking at me (business men – in their 30′s and 40′s – I kid you not!) and one guy said, “Damn! That girl is so fat. She’s huge.” Keep in mind that this was after my 60 lb weight loss. In my younger days I would have walked by without saying a word. Not anymore! I stopped, gave him my best smile, and said, “Yes I am fat, but I’m losing weight. I’ve lost 60 lbs with Weight Watchers. When you come back next year (It’s a repeat group) I’ll be hot stuff, and you’ll still be a jerk.”
You should have seen the look on his face. He apologized, by the way.
Mary Ellen – that was the perfect thing to say.
That’s awesome!
Agreed!
Big thumbs up for that response!
When someone is not enabling, it is often seen as ‘rude’.
A whole lot of society is enabling, but it is seen as polite.
Sunny, in her teens, on the recent season of The Biggest Loser said NO one ever reached out to her about her weight. And that made her feel very isolated.
I agree, it can look like the wrong people make comments, but they might be the only ones who feel safe doing so. They might be sitting there thinking – why in the world aren’t all the people who seem to love this person doing something to help her – ? And then in that feeling, what comes out of their mouth is not well spoken. I am not at all sure they are making the comment for the wrong reasons, there is no reason to think they do not care. And what they are saying isn’t wrong, it is just never said, not well said, not appreciated when it is said.
The people who should reach out, don’t seem to try. But I honestly don’t know what they would say. It is a tough topic. People need help and it is very hard to know how to give it, even for us (who have been there).
A disability or a disfigurement is not a choice. A condition may or may not be a choice. Obesity is a choice. Most people who are obese need HELP. But again, it is very hard to know how to give it. No one is going to lose weight until they decide to do it.
I can think of two examples from my own life.
I ate all day long at a quilting event and someone (I did not know very well) called me on it – are you STILL eating? It was a total wake up call.(I suspect if she had said it to you, you would have thought she was rude.) I could tell there was a lot of emotion behind it. She was new to the event, everyone else enabled me to eat all day, every time we were there (once a month), they were very polite. She had utter incredulity that I had a new plate FULL OF FOOD (and it was carry in food at that) every time she looked at me for 6 hours straight. It was a wake up call for me – when I am there, I eat all day long, I feel stuffed and very uncomfortable, I am fat, this type of behavior probably has something to do with my being fat.
The second one is I went to a pilates group when my youngest was 2 1/2. It was a very small group, when I was asked to join, I was told it was okay to bring youngest and really she was fine. Everyone used her like a move able sandbag – youngest come push on my back, youngest come sit on my feet. At one class someone called youngest over to sit on her feet and commented – I do not know why I can’t do these sit ups. Youngest put her nose about 10″ from the woman’s nose and whispered – it is because you are very fat. I didn’t shush youngest, the woman had asked, youngest thought she was being very kind in answering, youngest was too young to understand (the woman HAD asked), it would have made more of a commotion to try to explain to youngest at that moment.
A very good post on a very tough topic.
You, as usual, are very wise Vickie.
I haven’t been following Biggest Loser but I think it is different for children who are overweight. As adults we owe it to them to not only talk to them about their food choices but to give them the tools they need to change their lives. That makes me sad for her that no one helped her.
Thank you for sharing those two experiences from your own life. Did you make a change after the quilting event or did it still take some more time for you?
I think within a year or two is when my friend’s husband died and I started exercising with her (to keep her company) and then fell into a nutrition class and got started. That comment was not a turning point, but I did remember it. I not only stopped going to that group (eventually) but also stopped quilting as it was self sabotage for me. It was exactly the same as someone who is an alcoholic and drinks when they play poker and always loses at poker (money). Double whammy.
I personally believe that you should only speak up to someone about their activity level or food consumption when you KNOW them. Otherwise, keep it to yourself!
I’d take it one more step and say that people should not offer advice unless asked. I only lead by example with friends and family who struggle with their weight. I don’t say anything to them unless asked, but perhaps that is because of how I felt when friends and family said things to me.
Wow! I know people are rude via social media but this comment was face to face, that blows my mind! I think my immediate response would have been, “Did you really just say that? Wow!” and leave it at that. People often disguise a rude comment as concern, when in fact the reality is, it’s just a rude comment. I don’t think people have the right to tell other adults that they should lose, weight, exercise, quit smoking or any of that. I do think it’s okay to say to family and close friends, I love you and I do worry about your health but only if they bring up the subject. However it is good for us as the recipients of rude comments to let it go. People will always be rude and all you can do is try to change your reaction to the comment, for your own emotional health.
You are right – it is not just social media but happens in real life as well.
You bring up a good point about our emotional health. Sometimes confrontation is appropriate but sometimes confrontation is not in our own best interest. Only we can decide that.
When I was obese people said the rudest most offensive things to me–often right to my face or “behind my back” but loud enough for me to hear. It always made me feel small and depressed because I never had a come-back. As I lost some weight and my self-confidence got better, I got more vocal about calling people out on their asshole-ness! Especially if it was directed to someone else and they were criticizing that person’s weight. I have no problem now saying something to the offender’s face.
I stand up for people now too when appropriate because I know exactly how they feel.
I always hated it when people said things within earshot of me because I knew what they were doing. I may have been fat but I wasn’t deaf and had feelings just like anyone else.
I’m sorry for everybody who has had rude obnoxious things said to them. I don’t know what I would have done … probably nothing because I would not have wanted to continue any kind of conversation with them. I go out of my way to avoid people like that.
Me too. I avoided people who judged me but there were times that our paths kept crossing because of social affiliations. That made it very difficult for me to be around them and I often avoided them when possible.
I think, unless it’s your boss or your boss’ boss, a well placed “excuse me?!” can work wonders.
It’s a slippery slope. They do care about our health, even if they are just acquaintances. But there are still social skills that are lacking in a LOT of people. Rudeness is just one example of it. People don’t teach their children manners as much as they used to. Rudeness is an effect of that.
I also believe in natural consequences to one’s behavior. If someone is a jerk, either remove yourself from their presence (if you don’t want to cause a scene)…or causes a scene and hold them accountable for their boorish behavior. Those are the two choices.
Parents; teach your children manners. Bullying leads to adult rudeness. Simple as that. Feelings count. Everyone needs to be more respectful.
In this case, it was not someone in authority over Sue.
I agree with the need for children to understand at an early age that bullying and making fun of people for any reason is NOT okay. I can’t tell you how many times children pointed out my fatness and their parents just stood there listening and smiling.
I freely admit that this is a mixed personality trait, but my tendency is to meet unprovoked rudeness with a decisive response designed to cut off all further interaction: I’d have told him to go eff himself. Loudly. With obnoxious tertiary commentary about his the artistic blight of his unattractive receding hairline.
I’ve been in the position of being fawned over by men who ignore heavier friends of mine, and it never fails to amaze me how they think they are successfully complimenting me by being rude to a friend of mine. How can they imagine that I’d LIKE someone who is mistreating my friend?
You wouldn’t believe how differently people treated me when I lost weight. Men who ignored me or were borderline rude to me in group settings were all of a sudden kind, attentive, and ridiculous. It made me so mad on many levels. One, I was married and did not want the attention. Two, they were two-faced, judging, inconsiderate guys. Three, that they would assume I had forgotten how they treated me just 18 months prior. Geez.
I often wished I had had the courage to comeback verbally at some of those people. I can’t remember a time offhand where I did, but I sure wish I had. Now there were times when I was losing weight and my “best friend” was making negative comments behind my back about my weight loss. I did confront her and am glad I did.
The creepy part is that … if you had always been thin and never seen that difference in their behavior with your own eyes … those guys would still have been two-faced, judging, and inconsiderate. They would still have always been talking to you only because you were thin, only you would have had to be a lot more careful about noticing it.
I’m not convinced that this person or other people truly have your best interest in mind. But even if that is the case it’s still no excuse for rudeness or being lectured. We know everything they are going to say anyway! They are preaching to the choir AND hurting and/or angering us.
Weight loss is very black and white to many people, but it’s a complicated matter to many of us. I’m down 27 lbs with a LONG way to go (you can’t see it yet which is frustrating), but it took me 14 months of therapy to get to the place to really make a change after countless diets up to the top. Other people have no knowledge of that and it is disheartening to receive these “well meaning” lectures.
I usually don’t say a thing, however, as they just don’t get it and think I’m now also fat, sloppy AND defensive!
Weight loss is complicated and a lot of people truly do not understand that, especially those who have never really struggled with their weight.
Congratulations on your weight loss to date and stay strong! Other people will begin to tell soon enough and then you will be having everyone ask you what you are doing!
Smile nicely and reply in my sweetest voice “Thank you for your advice… I’ll go with them to workout if you read a book about manners”.
I like that comeback!
Well It depends on the person and the situation. I have been obese most of my life and have heard it all. For that reason when somebody says something it can often strikes me as a funny mess up on their part. If that happens I would likely tease them about it. If somebody is just being cruel and they are a stranger I ignore them. If I know them I confront them. If they are just gaga (I don’t know what the technical term is) then I ignore it. It isn’t my job to fix whatever is broken with them.
Good point looking at it differently depending on the situation and the person. I sometimes laughed when a person suggested I work out or not eat the “Death by Chocolate” ice cream at the restaurant, but inside I still felt bad.
My husband and I still laugh about the time, years ago, when we were in a BBQ restaurant and I ordered the “Piggy Platter” – what an unfortunate name!
I’ve read some comments that imply that because it’s a friend, a comment about weight or etc is okay because it’s for the person’s own good. First of all, if someone is truly a friend, they will ask your permission to share advice and/or a comment with you. Secondly, the person making the comment has no idea what’s going on in that person’s heart, mind, emotions, or soul. My opinion on the matter is….It’s my life. Whatever decisions I make for it, good or bad, they will be my decisions. Don’t offer me advice on how to change “my” life. You may ask to share advice/comments; and I will either say yes or no. If someone is truly my friend, they will respect the decision. I believe a person must have clear boundaries in how they respond to negativity from friends/non-friends. Because, and I’m assuming that this is the reason most of us are here, we already have to fight the negativity in our own minds….we shouldn’t have to deal with it from others. Am I saying that if someone makes a snarky comment we should say something like…”&$%^ you! Mind your own business?” Of course not, but we should respond, as firmly as possible, right then and there, and, as tactfully as necessary based on the situation. It’s “our” hearts, minds, and bodies we are trying to heal here. And sometimes it requires a fight.
I agree. Real friends don’t make snide comments, implications, or assumptions about friends. I know that others disagree, but as an overweight person I never took it well when a friend tried to tell me what to do. Like you said, I did enough self-berating for 10 people. I didn’t need anyone else to berate me with “good intentions” because all that did was add to my own negative feelings about myself.
One of the commenters said that it is similar to telling a friend to “get a mole looked at.” In my opinion, obesity is different because of the emotions involved. When a friend would draw attention to my weight I felt judged, whereas if a friend drew attention to a mole, then I would feel their concern. I know it may not make any sense on the surface, but a mole isn’t my fault, whereas being overweight (unless I have a medical condition) has everything to do with choices I make.
I don’t know about you Jim – but I never, never offer unsolicited advice to people concerning their weight. I only offer advice if they ask. I know how it feels and do not want to put anyone in the uncomfortable positions I felt when I was obese.
To the “gentleman”? You’re being too kind, Diane. That man would’ve got a piece of my mind, whether I was Sue or someone else in the group. Verbal lashing for that guy. And maybe even an imaginary beyotch-slap. hehe
Aside from from that “gentleman”, I think sometimes people say things, not trying to be rude, but it might come across that way. I myself have personally told friends that energy is gained through workouts. They didn’t seem to be offended, but perhaps they were now that I think about it. Hmmmm….
It’s hard to know how people take comments we make about exercise or eating right because we don’t know the struggles they have gone through in their own life. You know?
As far as Sue goes – if she felt like she couldn’t say anything, then I do wish that one of her friends that evening had said something back to the man on her behalf. Like, “Hey, that was rude,” or “I think Sue should make those decisions for herself.” That never happened to me though either – no friend ever came to my defense when someone else said something rude or hateful. It really does seem true. It’s okay to be rude to the obese but it is not okay for the obese to be rude back.
Her exercise regime is none of this “gentleman’s” business.
I would reply with: “Why does she need to take me to workout? Don’t assume by my body shape that you know anything about my workout schedule.”
I bet that she wishes she could have done that, but because of the circumstances did not feel comfortable. I often figuratively kicked myself after being in situations like this because I wished I had had the guts to say something back to the rude person.
So my mom is quite obese and she is in her 50s and I really really want her around a long time so I have tried in a tactful manner to help her lose the weight but her respond to me is usually defensive or she will tell me she went to the doctor and she has perfect health or she will say she is not obese just a little overweight. She is 5’0 250lbs. I’m honestly not wanting to Hurt her feelings I just want my mom around. Any advice on how to approach this or should I stay out of it? A little history I have been about 30lbs overweight before and lost it with diet and exercise so I cannot understand how hard it would be to lose a lot of weight and don’t want to come off as if I understand that struggle, I’m sad I can’t help my mom, also my mom has been obese for over 20 yrs but was 95lbs when she got married so I realize its goin to take a lot more then a conversation to help. I really just want to help her but don’t at all wanna be rude….. Pleas advice??
Unfortunately you cannot change her by yourself. It has to be her time and sadly, that time may never come. However, one thing that is really important is that she knows that you love her just for her and that your love for her is in no way tied to her weight.
That’s a gift that my husband gave me when I was obese. He always supported any efforts I made to lose weight but he did not judge when I fell off the wagon. I never felt judged by him – only accepted.
However, you can definitely lead by example and not enable her to make poor choices. You know – don’t buy her junk food or pretend like it doesn’t matter what she eats. Encourage her when she does make good food choices, invite her for walks after dinner when you eat together, and make her aware of how much you want her to be around for you as the years go by.
I think I would have reacted the same way as Sue. My husband tells me that I let people get away with being rude to me too often because I don’t want to be rude – and it doesn’t just have to do with weight. I don’t believe I am a push over, but I value my relationships. Sometimes, though, you just have to move on from people who are toxic toward that. I have done that on many an occasion!
I’ve had to move on from relationships as well – both when I was obese and not. I tended to be quiet or just “laugh it off” when folks would chide me about my weight.
Oh girl– I could go on the longest rant you’ve EVER seen on this issue! I’ve never understood how people think they’re honestly “doing you a favor” by telling you (in whatever subtle way) to lose weight. It’s terrible! It’s like a free guest-pass to insult someone, and they think it’s okay because it’s “for your health”. Do they think they’re the first to notice? “Oh hey, in case you didn’t notice– you’re pretty fat.”
Cool me down.. Anyways, fantastic post
I’ve never understood it either. It seems that social etiquette and plain politeness are thrown out the window when it comes to obesity.
I would have to agree with Mary Ellen. Very well said.
My personal preference is to just walk away and never bother to even say anything. People who don’t respect another human being is just not worth your time to be friends whether they are intentionally or unintentionally.
This is the way it plays out:
Once someone made a negative remark to me about my physical state. I told them I felt they were being rude to do that. (I did not respond in a rude way) They said it was my problem.
Now we do not talk anymore!
Rude comments are rude, regardless of how close you are to that person. When I was overweight, a very close family member would make a huge deal about how big the portions were when we were out to eat at a restaurant. “This is WAY more than I could ever finish, these portions are WAY too much for one person” (etc.). Then she would offer me her leftover food (in addition to mine)…which by the way I had never ever in my life eaten anyone else’s food at a restaurant. Rude, depressing, and embarassing and never once helped me make better choices.
On the flip side, by bestie (still my best friend after 17 years, through skinny, obese, diet success, and still trying to lose 20 more) never insulted me or made rude comments. She did encourage me to excercise with her and try new (healthy) recipes. She responded with support and encouragement with any new weight loss effort. She would point out her own diet woes (despite being at a healthy weight) and we’d talk through strategies to do better and she would even take my advice and make me feel smart (even though I was fat and she wasn’t!!) She wasn’t afraid to talk to me about my weight or even call me out on excuses, but because of her positive approach it never felt rude or made me defensive.
People who aren’t really close to you have zero business commenting on your habits, whether it’s weight, money management, or child raising strategies (which seem to be the top 3 topics that people are offended / offensive about!!!).
For those close to you with a true concern, I think it’s all in the approach. Positive feedback on good choices goes a lot farther than negative feedback on bad ones, in my opinion (which, by the way, I’ve also found to be true for being a manager and being a mother!!)
I find that it is much easier for people to be rude when they are not face to face. The internet affords anonymity, and they hide behind avatars or false persona’s. Personally, I just don’t waist my time or energy on these people. My time is too valuable to waste on the rude and insensitive !
Diane great advice!!! I will do all of those things with my mom especially make sure she knows I love her for her now!!! As well as lead by example… Thank you I love your blog I have used it to help me lose the baby weight and keep me motivated, I am 5lbs away!!!!
thank u for your great advice.
I haven’t read through all the responses, so I am not sure if anyone has said this already, but what I would do is ask Sue how she wants to feel about the situation and then have her come up with her own answer based on how she wants to feel. I know that I prefer not to engage, “stoop,” or to “teach them a lesson!” so I would let it go, if it were me. It’s takes practice to know how we want to feel and it takes understanding to know that we, ourselves, are in charge how how we feel. The guy who made the comment isn’t in charge of how Sue feels.
In mu opinion ,rudeness is rudeness no matter how you see it. I always try to go as the quote says: ‘Do don’t do anything to others that you don’t want them to do to you’
I somehow understand your point and it is really happening that ones need to be criticized before they act for their situation. I have experienced a situation like this and I didn’t know what to react when another person tells me that I’m gaining some weight. Maybe it depends on the reaction..If I take it as an insult and use it as an inspiration to act and promise not to hear that again and feel good about my self I guess that’s some how a positive reaction, while if I just get mad and have pity party of myself and sit all day on a couch, well that’s the negative reaction, something that wont help.
I would really see how the man saying that in person to judge if he mean what he said in an actually “rude” way or not. But for whoever’s own good, say such thing in a “group” is not a right move. Although many others probably won’t care, but those words will affect much to that person he direct to.
Hi Diane, if I was in this situation I would just go back home crying
I think I personally found it very difficult to stand up for myself when I was obese, I already had a negative self image so if somebody commented on my weight (even if they thought they were not rude) I would personally feel very hurt. I have noticed people say stuff to you all the time, the huge difference I have noticed in myself is that after I lost weight if somebody says something hurtful to me I can stand-up for myself. I have the confidence of being able to take a comment positively without allowing anybody to walk over me.
My response to any rude questions or comments has been, “Why would you feel it’s okay to say that to me?” (in a very nice/non snotty tone). It works like a charm. Most people don’t know how to respond to that and makes them think about what they said.
When someones rude and says I’m fat etc, I say “Thanks I didn’t know that” kind of stops them in their tracks.
The most upsetting time someone pointed out my size was when I was telling a friend I was pregnant. I was so excited and wanted to share my news. Her father was there and told me I better lose weight then so I could be a better mother. It really wrecked a happy moment that I was trying to share with my friend. Yes he was ‘right’ but really how to rain on someones parade.